I had lunch with a friend today. She asked what makes me happy. I couldn’t answer her, Because I no longer know. After some thinking I said dogs. I miss my poodle. I’ve been going on walks without him. I’ve been going to places I would have taken him. I wish he was still here. I miss him very much.

It’s simpler to think about the things that once made me happy. It’s easier to recognize when one is no longer feeling that way. I miss the incredibly handsome poodle. I miss the person who made me feel most alive. I miss feeling secure in public. I miss not having any physical pain. I miss that feeling of wanting to live.

Some people call it depression. I call it the cold truth of suffering. I know that some day, I will be liberated from all this. They say never looks back, But one day there is no more moving forward, Just a final moment where all I can do is look back. Would I be relieved that it’s finally all over? Or will regret haunt me? The regret of not being able to actualize my true self. The regret of not being able to believe. The regret of every stupid mistake I’ve made.

You have to look back at it all And fabricate a narrative That makes it all sound like it was worth it. For moments it really was. There were times I was really glad I stuck around. There was the moment I touched the life of my dreams. I caressed it with the tips of my fingers, As I quickly slipped away, Free-falling. Was it worth it? Wasn’t I going to hit the ground someday anyway?

I want to share those happy moments. Even if it is for a brief time, I want someone to know that I existed. I want someone to know that I tried. Maybe they can learn something useful. I feel that’s all I can pass along.

I miss my happiness. I can still hear you coughing. Suffering. I’m sorry. I wish I could’ve have gone with you. I want to believe That when this is all over, You and I will be young And perfect And running towards the sun. Not worried about sex or gender. Not worried about reflections or conceptions. Free from all worry. Finally free.